Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Let’s Talk Woman To Woman

In 2013, with the advents of the changes in the pregnancy and leave act, the announcement of Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer of her pregnancy and intention to only take two weeks off and the release of the book Lean Inthere has been yet another invitation to revisit feminism.  It seems as if there is a necessary need for change to shake the foundation of the cultural basis, which supports oppression of individuality: the expression of individuality, of not only working and non-working women, but also that of men. Part of what made feminism so successful was the way women in different situations developed their own variants and organized for the goals most important to them (see the timeline here). All women:  Native American women, working class women, Jewish women, Catholic women, sex workers, and women with disabilities, described what gender equality would mean for them and worked together to achieve it.  It seems as if somewhere along the line, in the hopes of equality, the divide got even larger between men and women.  


The truth is, for women to be more capable of what they want to do, their male counterparts need to be mobilized to be who they want to be as well.  We simply cannot expect one part of society to change without it affecting the other parts.  A good analogy of society would be the human body.  If one organ of the human body was affected by a disease like diabetes, it would affect the other parts.  Likewise, for medication to be effective, it would have to relieve symptoms in all organs of the body, rather than just one. 

So what does all this mean today? 

Women such as Gail Evans having been in the playing field since the 60’s, first as a former Press Secretary and then as an Executive Vice President of CNN, have urged women to “not complain and accept the role of a victim,” however going on to compare women to men in communication style and how to “win,”  Although the differences in behavior are valid, what are they actually teaching society? Men or women? That even in the 21st century when they thought they had the freedom to choose who they wanted to be, they have to regard men as their role models rather than creating their own style and balance if you will.  In her book, Play like a Man and Win like a woman, Gail points out that “girls are brought up to be nice and pleasing,”  As a mom raising boys, I am sure I am not the only one who teaches my boys the value of respect and kindness.  Even in her book Lean In written by Sheryl Sandberg the COO of Facebook, she says “we have to ask ourselves if we have become so focused on supporting personal choices that we are failing to encourage women to aspire to leadership,” Another double standard assuming that all women want to be in positions of leadership and if they don’t, society is not “aspiring” them to do so. 

When generalized statements such as these are made by women, I am even more disappointed than I would be if a man made them.  Men and women are different, they will always be.  No matter what society changes, the biology and psychology of the two are different.  A woman’s choice to be a leader vs. cashier, a dancer or a researcher or a homemaker, is just as personal her deciding whom she wants to marry, how many children she wants to have, and so on. In fact, when I interviewed happy homemakers who are perfectly content raising a family and having a part-time job may be, the number one thing that they said was how sick they were of women executives who thought their choices were not good enough, or that somehow they were “victims.”  

The double standards are so prevalent among women, but when Mississippi governor Phil Bryant says “America’s educational troubles began when women began working outside the home in large numbers,” eyebrows are raised.  Cheryl Sandberg herself said that the greatest career decision a woman makes is whom she marries, implying that her husband is supportive.  The question I have is, isn’t the real career decision in that case made by her husband, rather than by her? What if similar to her, her husband wanted to be a COO and as she so bluntly put it didn’t want to “sit at the table” because he put his career first? 


The truth is not all women want to be executives, not all women want to be politicians, and not all women want to be COO.  If as a society we want to level the playing field, we have to put individuality before gender, rather than trying to focus on the differences between genders.  A man makes a choice to be a pilot, a nurse, or a ballerina just like he makes a choice to be an executive.  Women need to have that choice too.  Rather than being compared to men and then being told, they try too hard, or that they are too pleasing.  As a western society, we have become so accustomed to changing things that, what feels natural is no longer valued.  Happiness comes from balance, and balance is based on authenticity, rather than what “should” be.  Whether a man is “shoulding” on a woman’s choice, or another woman is “shoulding” on a woman’s choice, it is all the same.  Not all women’s choices are created equal and neither are all men’s and that’s what makes the world a beautiful place and what makes it turn; diversity of choices.



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